What if our weaknesses and idiosyncrasies are actually strengths in disguise? Dave Rendall made this concept the center of his presentation at the ASCD 2017 conference. As a K-8 counselor, I know this isn’t the easiest sell to students. By third or fourth grade, kids are starting to feel self-conscious and want to fit in. By middle school, forget it. Any sort of weirdness is suspect.
Even as adults, it’s tempting to conform to the norm. Rachel Simmons, an expert in girl empowerment, has written about “the curse of the good girl.” It’s hard to take chances when you’re worried you might be disliked or judged. Quintessential good girls tend to become risk-averse women. I didn’t realize that rule-following is overrated until I hit my 40s. Until then, I accepted that people are more comfortable when they’re surrounded by others just like themselves, and I avoided sticking out at all costs.
Boys are not immune to concerns about seeming different. The cultural expectations are different, but they also struggle if they don’t fit the mold. So many kids I’ve known over the years come to mind: the boy who wears a different color tie every day; the girl who stutters; the kid who’s so conflict-averse he hides when someone is mad at him; the hyperactive girl who can’t sit in a regular chair without tipping over. Some of these kids believe they’re perfectly fine, but more often, they internalize the message that they’re deficient and will fail at school and life.
Instead, I want them to embrace Rendall’s worldview. He walks the walk. He’s unusually tall and wears pink pants and a t-shirt that says ‘Freak.’ He jokes that he knows what it’s like to be a beautiful woman because people constantly stare at him. “We tell our kids to be amazing, just don’t be weird about it,” he says, adding that there’s no way to be excellent and normal at the same time.
Every weakness comes with a strength. Rendall gives a few examples. Jimmy Kimmel’s teacher told him to stop screwing around, but instead he went pro and became even more childish and ridiculous. Richard Branson thinks he succeeded not despite, but because of his dyslexia. It turns out a disproportionate number of people with dyslexia are millionaires. Paul Orfalea, the founder of Kinkos, has ADHD and dyslexia and sees his weaknesses as a plus. Rendall says, “he sees so clearly that the peak can’t be there without the valley, and that what makes us weird also makes us wonderful.”
Rendall is also talking about personality traits. “People will tell someone who’s intense to dial down the intensity, but then it stops being intensity,” he says. “It’s stupid. We say, I love that you’re so passionate, but if you could just dial it back.” Instead, he urges people to go the other way. “When people tell you to dial it back, turn it up. They actually are helping you see that special thing about you, so crank it up.”
Too often when things aren’t working, Rendall says, “we think we need to change who we are, when really we need to change where we are.” Too dramatic? Be an actor. Too critical? Be a movie critic. Too controlling? Be an air traffic controller. As he notes, no one wants social workers directing air traffic, saying, “you know what? You went first last time. Why don’t we give Flight 207 a turn this time.” He wants people to stop trying to fit in and start trying to find the right fit.
Rendall speaks from experience. He was a hyperactive kid who talked through class and drove his teachers crazy. Today, he runs triathlons and gets paid to talk for a living. “I get praised and rewarded for the very thing I was punished for. Not because I have balance or am doing the appropriate amount of activity,” he says. “I get praised and rewarded for doing MORE of the thing I was told to do less of.” He amplified his weakness.
As parents and educators, we can use Rendall’s ideas to help children. It’s definitely easier said than done, but we can take baby steps, helping kids see their differences as blessings. We can let them know that what makes learning or social acceptance a challenge now might be the exact qualities that bring them success and happiness in the future. They may not be able to change their setting, but we can steer them toward appropriate outlets for their strengths and skills. Instead of squelching what makes them unique, we can urge them to think outside the box. And as adults, we can shift our own mindset, tolerating and appreciating weirdness in our friends, colleagues, partners and especially ourselves. Only then will we find our own voice.
